Sex in the news
Two amusing sex stories in the news, and they both involve court! First up, we have the story of a man suing over his ex's pregnancy. Not so special, until you get to the part about how she got pregnant. Apparently she saved his seed after oral sex, and then used it to impregnate herself. He can sue based on the fact that he engaged in an act that would not normally lead to pregnancy, and thus is "traumatized." But wait, it gets better! The court did decide, however that he can not sue the woman for theft of his sperm because it was considered "a gift." That's right, a gift.
While that sinks in, I'll move on to the next story which is equally entertaining and has even dumber actors. A few years ago, a 17 year old girl visiting South Padre (TX) on spring break got it into her head that she wanted to participate in a contest happening nearby. The prize was appearing in a video game, and all you had to do was flash your boobies. Since Mommy and Daddy had recently given her a boob job for Christmas, she decided this would be the perfect outlet to show off her new assets. So, she took her fake ID, filled out the consent form, told the producers she was legally of age, flashed her boobies, and was eventually put into the game. Flash forward a few years. Said teen, now 20, feel remorse that thousands of guys are now staring at her surgically enhanced 17 year old chest. So, she does what every good, moral, upstanding citizen does: she sues. Claiming the game is child pornography and that it humiliates and degrades her, she's suing for emotional distress.
So let me get this straight. She's 17 at the time, with a fake ID. The game producers made absolutely no secret about what they were doing. She filled out a consent form, lied about her age, gleefully shook her goods, and then three years later complains? God I love America. The game company rightly claims that the above facts invalidate all her claims of being trapped in a contract, since she willingly and knowingly committed fraud prior to and upon entering it. Hopefully the judge will see the light and throw this case out, but you never know.
Fnord.
Delusional in Deutchland
As reported in Der Spiegel, Bush's much ballyhooed "town hall" meeting with everyday Germans has been quietly nixed by those involved. The official explanation is scheduling conflicts, which is polite diplomatic talk for "we didn't want to deal with it, but neither side wants to take responsibility." The talk, though, is that the Administration insisted on dropping it because the Germans refused to host a scripted, controlled event. They felt that an open forum should be just that, and stated, "Don't get upset with us if they [audience members] ask angry questions."
Since Bush just couldn't have it on public record that people were *gasp* angry about his policies, he just does what he does here in the States: sticks his head in the sand, convinced that everything is hunky-dory. After all, if he doesn't hear about it, it didn't really happen, right?
Fnord.
Humor break
A friend introduced me to Craig's List today and the "Best of..." section. This one still has me laughing. I don't recommend reading it in an environment where you need to keep your composure.
Fnord.
My home state, she washes away
Poor California. Especially SoCal. An area that normally gets maybe 15 inches of rain a year has been deluged with over twice that in the first half. They now stand less than 4 inches away from the all-time record set in the 1880s, and the current storms still haven't finished having their way with the state. I honestly expect the record to be broken this year, and I wonder what the outcome of all this will be (aside from the obvious monetary value of the damage). Some possible predictions:
1. People who built in floodplains will howl for every single drainage channel in the state to be sealed with concrete. Sadly I see this as a serious possibility, since stupid people who build in floodplains also tend to be very vocal.
2. Cities will put a moratorium on building in foothills. This would be good, since the housing creep into the hills has not only created unstable hillsides, but intruded upon the territory of wildlife. Coyotes and mountain lions do not mix well with suburbanites, and its the wildlife that generally loses in the end.
3. The frenzy of brush clearing on the hillsides to prevent fires will slow. Some of the damage is probably due to the fires of the past few years denuding the hillsides, but I also think some people overreacted to the danger and, by eliminating the fire danger, opened themselves up to mudslides. Brush is on the hillside for a reason, people, and in a dry environment like SoCal, it's all that stands between you and tons of earth crashing down on your house.
Those are my predictions. We'll see what happens.
Fnord.
Don't stop here, this is bat country!
In case you missed the news, writer and journalist Hunter S. Thompson committed suicide yesterday in his fortified compound near Aspen. Personally, I think this is a cover-up for the real cause of death.
So long, Dr. Thompson. Journalism wouldn't be the same without you.
Fnord.
Art as terrorism...
I just don't get this. Well, ok, I do on some weird conservative, what-if mindset. One would think, however, that the items would be promptly returned once the situation was explained. Then again, this is the Federal government we're dealing with. Obviously fake passports just can't be tolerated.
Fnord.
I have been pwned.
Never let it be said that the Internet can not change someone's opinion.
My rant on Valentine's Day has been tried in the court of public opinion, both in comments and off-line commentary, and judged to be quite lacking. A straw man I have created, a false target for my disappointment. It also seems that when people sense you attacking something sacred, no matter how said attack is directed, they take it personally. At any rate, my peers have judged me lacking in foresight and wisdom in my assaults against V-Day, unjustly accusing those who partake of it as unromantic, and being an ass about the whole deal in general. I submit to the decision, and raise the white flag.
Perhaps I was too harsh on the holiday. I don't enjoy hating it; indeed, I look forward to the day when I can actually enjoy it. But, as has been pointed out to me several times in the past 24 hours, it seems my current outlook on this holiday is detrimental to my well-being, filling me with anger, hate, and tempting me to the dark side. So never again will I say anything bad about Valentine's Day. Never again shall I be publicly bitter about this holiday, regardless of my reasons. I shall keep my rants to myself, and stoically soldier on as I do the other 364 days of the year. That which does not kill me only makes me stronger.
Fnord.
It's St. Harlequinn's Day!
Go fill yourself with bitterness and hate! And perhaps read this rant before you do, so you realize what it's all about.
Fnord.
A cheap card and two wilted roses.
This evening, while picking up some groceries at the neighborhood supermarket, I saw what passes for romance in this tawdry day and age. A middle-aged man, not unsuccessful from his dress, was in line ahead of me buying a cheap card and two wilted roses for his wife. I know it was for his wife, as this is what the card told me. If it wasn't for Valentine's Day, I'd bet my left nut this guy wouldn't have been in the store at all.
This is but one of many reasons why I detest Valentine's Day, and why today has been hell for me. Everywhere I looked, I saw reminders of the holiday. The radio played Valentine-themed 80s music for the retro lunch hour. Even Google had a cutsie heart made of roses replacing one of the o's. This "holiday" is a sham, a claptrap celebration, a carefully contrived piece of malarky and an excuse for people who otherwise wouldn't give a rat's ass to be "romantic." I hate it. It's the antithesis of romance and love; a vile candy covered with chocolate, delivered by a plush gorilla wearing a shirt that reads "I love you a bunch," and shoved down your throat.
There are other reasons I hate V-Day. For one, I have never had a good Valentine's Day. I've completely forgettable ones, and ones I only wish I could forget. Bad memories abound with this holiday, and it serves them up to me on a tarnished platter. For another, it's just a crappy holiday. Seriously, think about it; it's only purpose is to make Hallmark rich and to stress out every guy in the western world. It also serves to remind women that many guys are only interested in getting in their pants (why else would places like Victoria's Secret do so much business this time of year?)
Here's an idea. Instead of giving in to the sordid debacle that is Valentine's Day, boycott it. Refuse to enrich the card and flower companies on this day, and instead do something romantic on different day. My god, what a concept; romance that occurs on day other than February 14th. I know, it's a radical idea. You'll be surprised, however, how popular it is.
Fnord.
Sweet art day, or at least morning
I blogged about this woman's art before (somewhere in the archives, I'm too lazy to link the blog entry right now). Here's a new work in progress, which I will channel Napoleon Dynamite in describing as "sweet." Go look.
Fnord.
Dear god...
What I've been talking about regarding "Jeff Gannon" is just the tip of the iceberg, apparently. For some detailed digging into his background and the controversy surrounding this guy, go see DailyKos. Yes, it's a pretty partisan website, but their info here looks good. You can also go read the Salon article.
Yikes...I mean Fnord.
This just keeps getting better.
In the continuing saga of Bush-friendly reporters doing fluff pieces on the President, we now learn that a man with questionable journalistic credentials was/is a member of the prestigious White House press pool. The "reporter" in question, James Gluckert, operated under the assumed name of "Jeff Gannon," and repeadedly lobs softballs at Bush during his press conferences.
But wait, it gets better!
In 2003, Gluckert was denied press passes for both the House and Senate, because he couldn't provide any viable journalistic credentials. Apparently the White House is willing to accept diplomas filled out with crayon, though, because he's been a member of the WHPP for years.
Think it couldn't get worse? Think again!
The final kicker is that Gluckert works for a news agency wholly owned by a GOP activist, who also runs a GOP consulting group, GOPUSA. (Funny side note: Talon News bills itself as "spin free" and "unbiased," but proudly proclaims "Read our news on GOPUSA." Even FoxNews covers their biases better than that.) So, we've got a man with questionable credentials and motives who has access to the most prestigious press pool in the nation, taking up a spot that could have been filled by someone a) more qualified, and b) far more impartial. Hell, impartial period. This is the guy who asked Bush, after the inauguration, "how he could deal with Democratic congressional leaders "who seem to have divorced themselves from reality."" Scott McClellan must love this guy.
Fnord.
The Cookie Caper continued...
The two teen girls who were taken to court by their stick-up-her-ass neighbor won't have to pay anything out of their own pockets. A local radio station raised more than enough money to cover their fines, with the extra going to charity. This in and of itself is good news. What's funnier, however, is that the woman has made herself such a target that she constantly gets calls and doesn't have a moment's peace, and "may have to move out of town." Hey lady, here's a free clue: if you hadn't made such a stink about this in the first place, you could be living in peace and quiet. I hope you learned your lesson.
Fnord.
Bush's Mistress Hypocricy
President Bush yesterday declared that the U.S. needs to do more to fight racism, since (to paraphrase him) freedom abroad can't happen until we have freedom at home. That's just swell, Mr. President. It makes me so proud to hear you spin platitudes like, "We cannot carry the message of freedom and the baggage of bigotry at the same time," and "We need to teach them about the heroes of the civil rights movement, who by their courage and dignity forced America to confront the central defect of our founding."
So, why don't you practice what you preach, Mr. President, and stop pushing for a constitutional amendment that advocates discrimination, bigotry, and hate? Oh, that's right...because you're a pansy and the Fundamentalists have you by the family jewels. Mustn't upset the base to do what's right. Heaven forbid we follow in the footsteps of another president, LBJ, who dared to confront his party to help set this country in the right direction.
Fnord.
Things like this make me hate America.
Two high school girls were fined close to $1000 each for causing a neighbor to suffer a panic attack. Bet you can't guess why...
1. Did they prank her?
No, although they did scare her, in the woman's estimation.
2. Did they try to extort money from her by pretending to murder her 52 cats?
No, but I wouldn't be surprised to learn this lady had lots of cats.
3. Did they seduce her husband and she walked in on an orgy of wild teen sex?
I don't know if she's even married, but I suspect if this was true, the headline would have been very different.
4. Ok, I give up. Why were they fined?
They were fined because...
...they left cookies on her doorstep around 10:30 at night, with the message "Have a nice night!" written on a paper heart.
Oh, the insidious mind of a teen! The woman was so distraught at finding this late-night gift, she had to go to the hospital the next day because she thought she'd suffered a heart attack. The girls, by the way, had baked the cookies for their neighbors because they didn't want to go to a dance that same night (there may have been drinking and cussing at the dance, so they didn't want to go.)
As if this wasn't bad enough, the judge, instead of throwing the case out as it should have been, instead fined the teens the woman's medical costs because "10:30 is too late for kids to be out." Never mind that the girls baked more than one batch, and all the other recipients (who also received their cookies at night) were very thankful and thought it was a sweet gesture, so much so that they wrote thank you letters.
God...it's things like this that make me want to shoot people.
Fnord.
Halftime and third quarter.
Fscking Blogger ate my post! Augh! Screw this live blogging crap. I'm done.
Fnord.
Second quarter.
6:24: A Honda pickup? God...
6:25: Brady sacked. Huh. New England punts again.
6:29: Holy monkey, McNabb just threw a long bomb that was on target. Nice play.
6:32: Touchdown Eagles.
6:35: And they throw MC Hammer back...awesome.
6:38: So, did Degree pay Nike for the use of the Swoosh/check mark?
6:39: Announcers claim Philly is "dominating," right before the Pats make a big play. Heh.
6:42: Was that a dead ball or a fumble? What the heck? Looks like they're calling it a fumble and recovery by Philly. I smell a challenge.
6:44: That Cadillac commercial was waaay too long.
6:45: Fumble called back. Good call.
6:46: Wow, was a run...25 yard power drive by the Pats.
6:47: Fumble by Brady, who's got it? Eagles...heh, the guy's out of the pile and the officials are still looking for it.
6:50: Ugh, short punt...29 yards.
6:51: Monkeys! Scanning their asses! Awesome!
6:55: Whoop, a little slippery on the field. Branch just fell on his ass.
6:57: Rodman in the bathtub...not attractive.
7:00: Touchdown New England.
7:02: Nice run, but a holding call on Philly and an injury on New England's side mar it.
7:10: Half ends with a nice run by Philly, but it doesn't mean anything since New England gets the ball next.
7:11: What the hell do pirates have to do with driving around in a circle?
7:12: Ah, local commercials. Yay.
First quarter.
5:36 pm: The commercial with the Mustang convertible in the North Dakota winter is the first one to make me laugh so far. Dead guys are always funny...especially when you combine them with a North Dakota accent, eh? Ya, you betcha!
5:39: The Fox "arrow" makes an appearance. Interesting.
5:41: McNabb fumbles. What a great start for the Eagles.
5:42: Bud Light commercial with the plane...thought it was going to be obvious, but the pilot was unexpected. Good one.
5:44: Fumble call reversed due to McNabb's knee. Looks like they're going to punt instead. Good call.
5:47: Irma gave me a monkey wearing a fez to open my bottle of beer. Mmm.
5:50: Pepsi commercial with the truck: amusing.
5:51: Dancing Japanese tourists...get funky, oji-san.
5:52: Bill Bellichek goes to the wrong bench. Awesome.
5:55: FedEx commercial would have been better if it had a monkey, but still pretty funny.
6:00: Another good Pepsi commercial. What's with the GoDaddy.com ad? Funny, though.
6:07: Nice pass/run by McNabb and Owens. Penalty on New England makes it even better. Wow.
6:09: McNabb gets sacked for a 16 yard loss. So much for the amazing gains last play.
6:10: Interception in the end zone, 30 yards runback, penalty on New England and the ball gets called back. Lucky break for the Eagles, since McNabb threw a horrible pass.
6:13: McNabb is picked off again, and this time it sticks.
6:15: The cattle prod was a nice touch.
6:18: What the hell is up with McNabb? He keeps throwing these crazy bombs that almost get picked off. Sheesh.
6:21: When you can't get anymore yards, just get down. Stupid Philly turns it over again.
6:22: Quarter over...jigglies!
Super Bowl Sunday blogging
Yes, I'm a geek. I'm sitting at a friend's place watching the game, and I decided to blog it. So I'm going to be commenting on the game, on a variety of things. After the game, or at some point in the game, I will post what I have so far.
Pregame thoughts:
The commercials...they are Teh Suck so far.
Those blind and deaf kids singing? Oh man, they should not have done closeups of those poor kids. Some were swaying to the music...and some where not.
Posting. More to follow...
Porkchop Prophecy
Joe over at Povert has posted a link to Flapping Crane's latest skit. It's pretty disturbing, but damn funny. You should go watch it. I wouldn't recommend trying this at home, kids...these are professional actors.
Fnord.
A prayer for 2005.
The 23rd Sigh
Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want.
He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.
He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.
He restoreth my fears.
He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war,
I will find no exit, for thou art in office.
Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they discomfort me.
Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy religion.
Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.
My health insurance runneth out.
Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days of thy term,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever. Amen.
-Author Unknown
Fnord.
Vitamin C and a peep show, too
A strip club owner up in South Dakota has created a nude juicebar/movie theater, all in efforts to thwart various attempts at shutting him down. The tale of this entrepreneur's adult entertainment joint is pretty amusing, whatever you think of girlie bars. The fact that he's still in business and is able to draw in crowds should be a sign to all the protesters that maybe, just maybe, their county isn't as pure and innocent as they'd like to think.
Fnord.
